It’s a risk to put yourself out there and get to know someone else intimately. That intimidating feeling of being with a new person often leaves you wondering, “What do I say?” or “Where should we start?” Having some go-to questions and topics for a new relationship that prompt conversation can be a huge benefit and help you get to know each other on a much deeper level.
What Are Some Good Questions to Ask in a New Relationship?
Asking questions in a new relationship is a delicate dance. You don’t want to be too intrusive right away and send them running, but you also want to get to know your new partner on a deeper level to invest in the relationship. Bringing up new relationship topics is best done subtly. Try these tips when using our questions to ask when starting a relationship:
Ask questions that lead to a conversation and avoid those close-ended (yes or no) type questions. Questions don’t need to start with who, what, when, where, why, and how. Make sure there is room for stories and deeper meaning. Try starting with: Tell me about a time when….) Try to bring up questions naturally in the conversation. Be prepared (but don’t plan) to answer any question you ask.
Don’t bombard your new partner with questions. Ask questions as a way to start a deeper conversation. Be yourself, and ask questions with a genuine interest. Allow space for them to ask you something back or bring insight into the conversation.
What Questions Build Intimacy?
Things are going nicely, and you’re hopeful. You’re not ruling out that they may be “the one.” To date, all signals are green, and now you’re interested in building physical or emotional intimacy. How do you go about that without coming across as corny? Let’s look at a few tips.
Respect: Drawing and respecting other people’s boundaries is essential when navigating intimate topics for the first time. Creativity: Don’t stick to the old tropes. Be creative with your questioning and digital intimacy. Genuine: Authenticity is the foundation of any successful relationship — romantic or platonic. Engaged Listening: Learning to be a good listener will make you a better communicator.
21 Questions to Ask in a New Relationship
1. Tell me about something you’re excited about in your life right now.
This question invites people to talk about the most interesting thing to them in their lives. It can open up who they are by showing you what they care about most.
2. Where is your favorite place in the world?
It can be a trip they took somewhere or a spot in their backyard as a kid where they often played. This question invites your partner to talk about somewhere that matters to them.
3. Describe what you think is your best quality.
You want to know what your potential partner thinks about themselves by asking them to reflect honestly. This question can reveal how confident your new person is by comfortably sharing some positive attributes.
4. What do you think is my best quality?
Flip the question around on them. Be playful. Invite them to speak about what they’ve seen in you from the beginning of the relationship.
5. Explain your relationship with your parents.
Gain some insight on where your new romantic interest comes from and how they interact with the people that brought them up in the world. This conversation can move in various directions, so work with them openly and compassionately.
6. How would your friends talk about you if you were not there?
The people they are closest to have a lot of knowledge about your partner’s life history. Be curious about these relationships and what friendship means to your love interest.
7. Why did your last relationship not work out?
This question is a big one that can stir feelings of inadequacy for both of you. The answer can clue you in on your partner’s relationship skills, emotional maturity, and what they learn from a failed relationship. It’s also nice to know how they talk about past partners.
8. How do you like to spend your free time?
This question not only taps into this person’s interests but also reveals their curiosity and engagement in life. Knowing if your partner likes to go base jumping or watch Netflix all day tells you volumes about the relationship that you’re entering.
9. How important is money to you?
Money is one of the biggest things that couples fight over. Knowing how they view money at the beginning of a relationship can save you a significant amount of headache later.
10. What would you say is the biggest change you’ve made in your life?
If the person you’re dating lost 100 lbs. four years ago, that would tell you a lot about what matters to them and their motivation to make changes. This question also emphasizes the positive and not the setback that pushed them toward change; although, this could be interesting to talk about as well.
11. Describe your relationship with your phone.
Hopefully, they’ve learned to put the phone away while you’re having a conversation, but perhaps they just keep looking at it. Healthy phone habits can speak to how present your new partner will be in your relationship and is a great thing to start talking about now.
12. What is your favorite meal to make for other people?
This is not a trick question, but it could feel that way to someone who doesn’t cook. Of course, talking about your favorite food is easy, but be more curious about what (or if) they offer guests at their own home.
13. What’s it like for you to be around children?
I know this is a deal-breaker conversation for many new couples, but many people just haven’t made up their minds when it comes to having kids. Talk about interacting with kids first and how it feels to have that kid energy around. This tactic is a safer way to gain insight into what they think rather than straight-out asking, “Do you want kids?” 108 Of The Best Relationship Questions To Ask For Great Conversation 108 Totally Relatable Quotes About New Relationships Is She On Your Mind Non-Stop? 13 Reasons You Can’t Stop Thinking Of Her And What To Do About It
14. When was the last time you laughed out loud?
Playfulness is vital for mental health and well-being, especially in love relationships. Let’s face it, life is better when you can have fun, and you want that with your new partner. Keep going with this question by sharing funny stories and humorous situations.
15. How do you feel about going on a spontaneous trip?
Discuss ways to bring fun into your lives and live a bit spontaneously. Getting to know your person’s comfort level with traveling and disrupting their schedule helps you know if you’re with more of a homebody or adventurer. This is a good time to talk about surprises too!
16. Tell me about someone you admire.
What kind of person do you each strive to be? It’s attractive to want to possess some admirable qualities and strive to develop them. Having a role model is a proactive way to foster those qualities. Be sure to talk and learn about the person they admire.
17. When does your creative side emerge?
We each possess creativity and feel present and energized in the flow of creative pursuits. This creative energy is especially attractive to others. What is it about your new partner that sparks their creativity? A great place to help your partner grow is supporting that creative side.
18. What moment in your life are you most proud of?
This question allows you both to discuss what is meaningful to you and who you want to be. Harness this energy for future conversations when times are tough.
19. What do you do to take care of yourself?
Mind and body need to come into play here. Perhaps, you will find out that you’re both really into yoga or reading? Wouldn’t it be nice to start a relationship by creating more time for what you love? Even if you have different methods of taking care of yourselves, you can still make time for an individual health hour or teach each other something new.
20. How do you show your appreciation for others?
It always feels nice to be appreciated, and it’s good to know how your new partner shows it. Perhaps they are not gift-giver but letter-writer or back massager? Noticing when your partner shows appreciation from the beginning will keep your relationship strong.
21. What have always wanted to do but haven’t yet?
This final question can go in so many directions and tell you so much about your new romance. Maybe it’s also something you would love to do as well. A great follow-up question to this prompt is, “What is stopping you?” Getting to know someone on a deeper level is a hard thing to do. You have to both be willing to be vulnerable and real day after day to build the trust that a long, committed relationship contains. You’re excited about a new person in your life. In fact, they may be “serious relationship” material, and you’re searching for ways to get to know them better.
Good Topics for New Relationship Questions
Instead of sticking to exact questions, some folks prefer to think in conversational categories. So, let’s review 11 good topics to cover when you’re in a new relationship and getting to know someone better.
1. Career Trajectory and Goals
Are you both career-minded? If so, talking about where you’ve been and where you’re headed is a good idea. These conversations will better illuminate whether their plans are flexible enough to accommodate a serious relationship. Moreover, talking about professional aspirations provides insight into their personality. Are they forward-thinking? Responsible? Traditional? Work discussions can also reveal a person’s priorities.
2. Traveling
Do you enjoy traveling? Are you adventurous and interested in seeing new places and cultures? Or are sun and fun more your speed? Discussing travel preferences is a super way to see if you’re a good fit. For example, if your dream vacation is a Tanzanian safari, but they’d prefer to ride a Carnival cruise to Fort Lauderdale, there’s a chance you may not be as well matched as previously imagined. We’re not saying you can’t fall in love and have a long-lasting relationship with someone who doesn’t share your vacation sensibilities, but gaping differences may signal deeper incompatibilities.
3. Personal Development
The fact that we’re alive is a miracle in and of itself. A trillion things had to go right for you to be reading this article, and one way to show appreciation for your life is by being the best possible version of yourself. That doesn’t mean you need excessive amounts of money, a McMansion, or an ideal circle of friends. But it does mean you take the time to treat your body and mind well. You think strategically and deliberately about your goals and are always looking for ways to optimize your performance. Although true for some people, personal development isn’t all “woo-woo,” new age stuff. Practical things, like sharing tips on productivity and getting better quality sleep, also count.
4. Politics and Religion
We’re taught to avoid conversations about politics and religion in mixed company. But knowing your potential partner’s positions is crucial if you’re getting to know someone with an eye toward a serious relationship. After all, someone’s political party and religious fervor can significantly impact their views, beliefs, and lifestyle. Please don’t read us wrong. We’re not suggesting you never date someone who votes differently or holds divergent spiritual beliefs (or none at all). But if your views are wildly incompatible, and you’re each passionate about your stances, it may not work — and better to know sooner rather than later.
5. Books and Movies
What books do they read? What are their top 10 favorite movies of all time? What about television? What shows land in their appointment viewing column? Don’t write someone off immediately because they seemingly have different media tastes. Give their favorites a try. Who knows, you may discover new genres, authors, and directors you love.
6. Your Parents and Siblings
Learning about someone’s family is important. Are they close? Estranged? Do they have siblings? If so, are they similar or polar opposites? What about their parents? Are they divorced or still together? If someone doesn’t want to talk about their family early on, respect their wishes. It may be a complicated situation. If, however, they still refuse to say anything about their parents or siblings (if they have any) after half a year, you may want to take a step back and determine if there are other red flags. Their reluctance to share may be legitimate, but it also could signal something darker.
7. Personality Superlatives
Gossiping isn’t great — especially at the start of a relationship. After all, you don’t want to come across as shallow and catty. But discussing different personality types — and the people in your life that epitomize them — spawns fun, light-hearted, and revealing conversations. Is there someone at your workplace with a notable quirk? Is one of your family members a fanatic about something quirky, which shapes their personality to an outsized degree? Who is the best-dressed person you know — or the most successful?
8. Food and Health
Do you enjoy living a healthy lifestyle? Are you constantly trying to pack more nutrition into every morsel you ingest? Or perhaps you’re the opposite and value-rich, cream-based culinary creations that may not be the best for your health but make your tastebuds dance. Either way, if food is a central part of your lifestyle, have a conversation about how and why. Does your new “friend” have similar habits and approaches to eating and dining?
9. Places You’ve Lived
Have you always lived within 50 miles of where you were born? Have you traveled the world and stayed long-term in places along the way? Or, like most people, do you fall somewhere in between? Whichever the case, tell the person you’re getting to know about your living experiences and ask about theirs. Adding details about interesting and colorful neighbors is a great way to inject a little humor into the conversation.
10. Old Friends
Who did they play with as a kid? Are they still in touch? If you’re of a certain age, questions about friends from high school and college also qualify as “old friends.” Is your special friend a different person now than they were then? Do they have any desire to see any long-lost friends? If so, which ones? Why? Pay attention to how they talk about their memories and old buddies. Are they kind or spiteful? Does their mood change when you bring up their past?
11. Current Friends
Who are their current crew? Are they all work colleagues or people they genuinely adore? Do they love to hang out with lots of people all the time, or do they have a small group of friends scattered across the country or world? Does their situation mirror yours, or are your “friend styles” different?
Final thoughts
Having a place to start by asking these questions for a new relationship can ease the process and get you off to a confident start. Remember that new relationship questions, when genuine and asked with interest, show that you care about the person sitting across from you. The most important thing is to bring your true self to the table.
